Mother Heart

My soul is all mother. I am a nurturing spirit. I had the privilege of meeting William Kent Krueger (link below) a couple times now. As a writer for my local paper I have been able to attend each of his local book launches. Normally murder mysteries are not my thing but I love the sense of place (my home state) I get from his books. I also find his references to Ojibwa culture enlightening and refreshing.

In several of his books he talks about different spirits that people have. One is Nokomis, the grandmother or nurturing spirit. This is totally me. I have always wanted to be a mother, but one thing that is clear, you do not have to have blood offspring to be nurturing.

In my career as a writer I have sometimes had to write about difficult and gut wrenching things. But I am finding my ability to deal with heartbreak is lessening as I get older (or have more children?). It seems like I am feeling things more. Even the daily news is sometimes too much for me.

Recently one of those tear jerker commercials came on for the organization “Forced to Flee.” My husband, my soul mate, was forced to flee with his family. He was a refugee. Many of my closest friends are refugees. Many were refugees as the result of failed U.S. foreign policies.

As I watched the images of babies crying in the pain of hunger and disease I wished I could nurse them. It was an odd thought, one I had never really considered–being willing to nurse another woman’s child, but I knew that I would do it in a heart beat if it meant that child would survive. Those individuals, those faces, those stories, touched me.

I firmly believe that stories lead to relationships, an opening of the heart. Stories and relationships is exactly what we need right now. When I was in college I learned about systemic problems and was taught they need systemic solutions. But we are failing on a big level. What we need is baby steps. The kind where a nurturing adult allows the baby to hold their fingers while taking tottering steps. So those first baby steps need mothers/nurturers. I am thinking about the organizations like “Moms Against Drunk Driving.” We can accomplish alot we Nokomis. We just need to allow our hearts to be open, even if it means pain, and we need to be willing feel for others.

http://www.williamkentkrueger.com/

Happy 2018!

When I was a kid I was totally focused on Christmas. Even as a young mother I loved decorating and buying or making gifts for my children. But slowly I have grown older. I feel my attention shifting to New Year’s. I am now middle age. I no longer wonder what I will be when I am an adult or wonder what my life will look like. While I am continually striving to grow, learn and teach my children along the way sometimes a reset is in order. New Year’s is such a great symbolic reset.

I don’t remember a year that I have looked forward to a reset more. 2017 was tough–life alerting, shattering tough. I have high hopes for 2018 but honestly the bar is pretty low to be better then 2017. For this coming year we plan on the typical health and wellness. We also want to capture more time with our children.

This New Year’s weekend was bitter cold in our neck of the woods. The HIGHS were somewhere in the -10 range. So we stayed home. We watched movies, cuddled, cooked and ate good food, talked about our hopes and plans for 2018 and got the reset I was hoping for.

I even had a chance to knit a bit. With such a dizzy, disruptive year behind me I didn’t have much energy for my typical hand made Christmas. When I did have time or energy much of it went to a new book I am working on. But as plans formed for the perfect New Year’s I decided a quick knitting project would be the perfect addition.

It is the Lyalya hoodie. The pattern is more expensive then I would normally buy but this is the 3rd hat I have made with the pattern and my oldest daughter even made one for herself, so it is a great pattern that I have used often. I knit it up over New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day using some yarn from our own Lincoln Longwool sheep. You can purchase the yarn here. I am so pleased with how it turned out and even more pleased that I took the time to create something special for the best part of 2017–Unnah, our new addition for the year. She will be a year soon, already goodness in the new year. Here’s to a blessed 2018.

#MeToo and raising children

As the mother of 5 girls and 2 boys the #MeToo movement has had me very interested. While much of my energy has focused on preparing my girls for the world, my boys also need to know how to live and contribute to the world.

As I was checking my email this morning I saw this story about parenting questions the #MeToo movement is raising. At the same time I am doing an on-line course with Jack Canfield (author of the Chicken Soup for the Soul) books. He speaks about how it is important to come “from a place of giving” in life and business. I believe that is the missing component in all this discussion. There is much talk about consent, but I feel that consent is not where our focus should be.

I am blessed to have the example of my husband in my life. Throughout his dating years he always tried to be open and honest, saying what his expectations were and being careful not to behave in a way that would make someone think he was something he was not. When we began dating–on our first date actually–he told me that he had a very full and happy life and he wasn’t interested in a “just for fun” relationship. If he was going to invest time in a relationship he wanted to make sure we were on the same page and looking for something serious and long term. I was. The next 10 days we spent many hours talking, trying to figure out if we would be compatible for a long term, intimate relationship. On the 10th day he proposed. Ten Months later we were married. This year we will celebrate 15 years together.

As we raise our children together we try to model openness and honesty with ourselves and others. Why are we behaving in a certain way? Why do I want something? Is that really going to add to my life or more importantly the life of others? Coming from a place of giving is a concept that is much simpler then consent–except that it requires us to be our best self all the time! However if we were able to accomplish it imagine the world we would live in!!

Imagine how different our conversation would be if every person who has been identified by the #MeToo movement as a predator thought first, “is what I want to do going to enhance this person’s life or experience?”

As we raise our children we want them to both know who they are and why they behave in certain ways and be able to think about the other person first. Some may think that the idea that intimacy should be the goal in sexual relationships versus sexual gratification is old fashioned. The idea that it is old fashioned is why we are having this conversation. I do not believe that the idea of consent is strong enough to safeguard our society. Love and giving however–while admittedly not universal on any level– is strong enough. Ideals by definition are something we strive for, why not strive for love and giving in all things as we parent? Let’s see what the world can become!

I Need a Silent Night

I really am in shock. Proeun and I decided to take a sabbatical from vegetable farming this year. Sabbatical is supposed to mean “rest” right? Well we have had a very busy year and already it is December and the beginning of the Christmas season. I normally live for this time of year, but this year I am feeling a bit like a grinch.

As the children get older and bigger so unfortunately do their expectations and I am having a hard time keeping up. Luckily we have always focused on hand made and heart felt gifts over looking for something with a big wow factor. Normally I begin the process of Christmas project planning much before this. Oh well, this is going to be a year where my focus in grace–mostly for myself.

In an effort to get into the Christmas mood I have been listening to Christmas music as I drive the children to their many many events, practices, games and tournaments.  Here are a couple ones that really speak to me right now. I hope you find peace, grace and maybe a little silence over the next couple of weeks (and into the New Year)!

Thankful for Beauty

We had a wonderful and peaceful Thanksgiving basking in a baby glow. This year our family had 2 new babies around the dinner table and it was such an extra special celebration with a lot to be thankful for. But I have been thinking a lot lately about the future of my girls. I have 5 daughters who will be women of color one day. And honestly I am pretty concerned about how they will fair out in the world. But there have been many positive changes and I am always on the lookout for affirming resources.

This week I was at my favorite bookstore (Scout and Morgan, see below), when I came across a beautiful book The Atlas of Beauty.

I was immediately drawn to the cover and the story of author/photographer Mihaela Noroc. Noroc has been traveling the world for the past 4 years photographing all the beautiful women that she meets.

As you can see her idea of beauty is far from conventional but it “smacks of truth,” as one of my college professors, Robert Grunst, used to say. This is the kind of world I want to live in, one that celebrates the beauty of the all women (and more then just the beauty of women). I love especially the pictures of women that you wouldn’t expect to see where they were photographed. The women of Iran were particularly surprising. Even I had some preconceived ideas of beauty

I plan to share this book with my girls, having it readily available. In this time I am very grateful for all the beauty in the world.

Welcome to Scout & Morgan Books in Cambridge, MN

Reinventing

It has been a very hectic and tragic year for us. We lost Proeun’s brother unexpectedly in an accident in the spring. He was young, vibrant and in many ways held the extended family together. It was a total shock for us that rocked us to the core–most notably Proeun, who had lost his younger brother, a brother that he always wanted to protect but couldn’t when it came right down to it.

I had just had our 7th baby. I remember just holding that new life, breathing in that new baby scent and burying my face in her neck when I wanted to cry and knowing that a new life was beginning while one ended–a cycle.

Afterwards the family was thrown into turmoil. We had decided last year we needed a sabbatical from the busy summers of vegetable growing. So we didn’t plant, thank God we didn’t. One neighbor said that He knew what would be coming up and that we would need time to deal with it. And so we struggled this year.

Now months after the accident that rocked our world and family we are finally getting our life and home back together. We are in the process of reinventing, rebuilding and moving forward. Thank you for your patience!

Yes, this is my first Rodeo

I have of course heard of rodeo. Our farrier (the person who trims our horse’s hooves) is a true cowboy. When we went to Yellowstone this summer we drove through Cody, Wyoming. Since our destination was Cody and we had a limited amount of time we didn’t stop for too long in Cody. But I did notice that they have a rodeo, every single night during the summer.

We also stopped in Sheridan, Wyoming en route. We stayed in a hotel and were watching the local news while winding down and waiting for our turn in the bath room. We found out that in Sheridan (and assuming other places) rodeo is a high school sport rivaling football. The results of the competitions are reported on the evening news.

When we moved up here we heard about Heidelberger’s auction  barn. They also boast a rodeo every year but up until this year we have never gone. Through a strange coincidence, my father became friends with the brother of Mr. Heidelberger. Dad was talking about his friend but never using last name until my mom said something like, “Neil’s brother has an auction place up by you.” Heidelberger’s was the only one I knew of and we put two and two together.

So this year we went as a family as guests of Neil and his family. So yes this really was our first rodeo.

The announcer set the stage well, “the great American sport known as rodeo–the world’s most dangerous playing field.” Luckily no one got seriously hurt last night but you could totally see that having a 2,000 pound bull as an opponent would be seriously dangerous.

Avril tried out the mechanical bull–a much safer option for this mother!

Bareback riding, I never knew that there were 2 other cowboys on horses ready to assist and catch the wild horses after their rider was thrown or to help the rider safely off in case he was able to stay on. It was amazing to see them work the horses! Some “amazing horsemanship and teamwork” as announcer Davie Kimm said.

Calf scramble. The 4-6 year olds joined 4 calves in the arena. Each calf had a ribbon tied to their tale and the children try to catch the ribbon.

Wild cow milking contest. No description can do it justice.

So yes it was a great night at the rodeo, and quite possible the start of a new tradition.

 

Scouting Out Some New Books

I have a lot going on in my life. In addition to being the mother of 7 beautiful children and wife of Proeun I farm, homeschool, manage my home and write, not just a blog but for 4 area newspapers (I have also written my own book). It was on one assignment for one of these papers that I found Scout and Morgan Books (link below).

I have mentioned before that my birthday is around the middle of the year. I would get a stack of books for Christmas, read them and get resupplied for my birthday. I dreamed of having a large, fully stocked library in my home when I grew up. We do still have a lot of books, but now I have also discovered the library and through the course of several moves I have had to cull some of my books. Still Scout and Morgan is one of my new favorite places and I love the fact that I am supporting our local economy and a truly great lady when I purchase my books from Scout and Morgan.

Before our Yellowstone trip we stopped by to get a small stack of reading material and visit with Judith Kissner. One of the stories early in my relationship with Judith was the Cambridge Community Read final event with Faith Sullivan this spring. The book the whole community was reading was Goodnight Mr. Wodehouse by Sullivan. Throughout the book Nell Stillman, the novel’s protagonist, turns to books as a way of facing life’s pressures. P.G. Wodehouse was her favorite author.

So when I stopped by Scout and Morgan I was looking for my own copy of one of his books and Judith presented me with a used copy of Love Among the Chickens–the very book I had in mind.

As you can see we picked up quite a stack. What is even better is my girls discovered how fun book stores are!

When we headed off to Yellowstone books of regional interest were high on my list of desired souvenirs and so I picked up a couple there as well. Now I find myself reading multiple books at once. Here are a couple of books that are on my shelf right now.

Born a Crime by Trevor Noah. I am not familiar with his comedy or his work on the “The Daily Show” but whenever we contemplate race in this country we remind the children that they would likely not exist, or at least it would be illegal for them to exist just a few decades before their birth. It was such a personally poignant read to hear Noah’s story, a man my age whose very birth was a crime. To read about his mother’s story and subsequently his story is such an eye opening experience. It was definitely a very fast read for me as I couldn’t put it down!

Different by Sally and Nathan Clarkson.  The subtitle is “The Story of an Outside the Box Kid and the Mom Who Loved Him.” I have a couple of “outside of the box” kids. I bought this book with one specific child in mind and discovered elements of myself and other children beautifully touched on in this book. Through the Clarkson family journey I am reminded of the importance of loving and letting go of control. Trying to micromanage people and life in general is a sure fire way for loads of stress. This book gently reminded me who is really in control.

The Life Giving Home: Creating a Place of Belonging and Becoming by Sally and Sarah Clarkson. This book is written by the same mother who wrote Different. This time she partnered with one of her daughters. I have read many of her books before. Most of her books are more of ideal books, as in striving for an ideal. But by reading it at the same time as Different which is definitely about the reality of life it is a great foil and helps me see the beauty of ideals while accepting realities. Both books helped me realize how important home is as a launching place for not only us as individuals but also for our children.

Shadow Mountain by Renee Askins. This was one of my Yellowstone snags. I am almost done reading it. It is the story of the reintroduction of wolves into Yellowstone. I was not aware that wolves were eradicated from the area in the early 1900s. This was purposeful and intentional. The reintroduction was even more so. A great read–a fresh look at the world of conservation and how it intersects with real life. From the opening story Askins sets the stage, “My doe-eyed idealism about peaceable wolves, along with my meticulously planned research design, was eviscerated that day with Cassie [a female wolf she was studying at “Wolf Park”] and the six unborn puppies she carried.” Cassie was killed by her own pack. “Cassie’s death was the first of many humbling lessons in the wild’s volatility and unpredictability I was to receive in the years to come.” It is a hard lesson that ideals don’t translate particularly well to real life, but that in striving for them life is worth living. I am at the point in the book where wolves are on the ground in Yellowstone for the first time in 70 years and the first batch of puppies have been born. Askins has closed the door on “The Wolf Fund,” her life work of the past 15 years and she is ready to move on with 2 Chinese Crested dogs she recently purchased. I feel so honored that on our first night in the park we were able to witness first hand 2 wolves stalking a heard of elk, or perhaps a flock of geese (there was a lot of animals in the area). I now know the name of their ancestors and I wonder which pack they came from.

Undaunted Courage by Stephen E. Ambrose. I can’t remember if I have read any books by Stephen Ambrose. I realize as I write this that I likely mixed him up with Jeff Shaara who wrote very readable and enjoyable Civil War accounts (and one Mexican War). But this is the story of the Lewis and Clark exhibition. You can’t go anywhere out west without finding some remnants of their story. While I know snatches of it I am interested to get a more complete view. This is next on my list to read. Also a Yellowstone souvenir.

While I include the links to amazon it is so worthwhile to find a local bookseller and purchase from them. Also books make great souvenirs as you seek to learn more about where you are visiting or have visited. I thank Judith for leading me out of the doldrums I was in with reading material and introducing me to some great new authors and stories. Once my pile is done I will be back.

Welcome to Scout & Morgan Books in Cambridge, MN

 

Yellowstone!!!

Things have been pretty quiet around here, except for the planning and expectation of our first family vacation—ever! As some of  you know we took a sabbatical from vegetable farming this year. When we started farming back in 2008 we assumed things would settle down eventually. But after 9 years we realized we would have to take the time. So we planned Proeun’s dream vacation–a road trip to Yellowstone.

It was great, the kids loved it and we made it through 9 days in very close quarters together. Here are some pictures from our recent trip.

Mammoth Hot Springs

Elk that wandered into our campground.

One of the 4 young male bison that lived at our campground.

Picnic at Mount Washburn.

We try to convey our family ideals no matter what we are doing, even on vacation! Things live family togetherness, an active, healthy lifestyle and care for the environment are things we value. But being in Yellowstone, was a surreal experience. I only wish I had more time for reflection. I brought my journal, but honestly it was a kind of rushed trip, so reflection is something I am working on now.